I usually don’t waste much time and believe in fighting fire with fire, so I jumped into dating pretty quickly in New York. There’s a Hungarian girl I met here who warned me to prepare for the worst, because according to her, no one here wants anything serious, everyone’s always in a rush, barely has time to breath, and if you live even just one borough away, they won’t have time to see you.
I mean, I don’t really see it that way, but I totally understand her perspective too. I think it’s very different if you’re around 40 and urgently want kids, or if you’re already past that stage like me. Sure, I’ve had my own little funny stories. There was this guy, and after texting for a while on the first date it turned out he had quite the criminal record, which I just couldn’t get over. Another one was in an “ethical non-monogamous” relationship, that is definetly not for me.
And then there was this guy who was so needy, he wanted to talk on the phone for hours every single day on top of texting me 5462324456563524543546 times. I eventually told him I just couldn’t handle it, I have other things to do besides chatting with him all day and he was really hurt by that. But honestly, aside from these few cases which I could’ve happily skipped, I really enjoy being able to see dating as a game again, and I love getting to know new people. I’ve actually found that people here are kind, open, and genuinely pay attention to me and what I enjoy doing in my free time.
One guy, for example, took me on a tour of bookstores and stationery shops because he knew I’m a journal addict and a total bookworm. Another took me to the beach because I’d mentioned I hadn’t been yet and was curious. And there’s one guy who told me flat out that he’s serious about me, but since I just got out of a relationship, and according to his theory, I’m bound to mess up my first post-breakup relationship, he wants to wait and just be friends for now, then maybe get together later.
Funny enough, I totally agree with his theory, if the previous relationship was serious. But looking back, I thought mine was, and it turned out to be just a bad joke. Anyway, I’m happy to be friends with this philosopher guy and his theories. Since I have trouble sleeping, he even helps me Facetime-fall asleep sometimes, which I think is incredibly sweet and selfless of him.
Most of the people I spend time with here are men, and I’ve noticed they’re way more open to male-female friendships than back home. They totally get the boundaries, no one is hitting on me or crossing lines, and I feel completely safe, which is great, because thanks to my bad experience, my original attitude was more like “okay, what’s this guy going to lie about like he reads it from a book?” We have this saying: ‘If you look for something, you’ll find it.’ We use it for everything, from tax audits to snooping through someone’s phone. If I’m looking for reasons why the other person’s being a jerk, I’ll definitely find them. But if I’m focusing on what makes them sweet or adorable, that’s what I’ll notice more easily. As New York brings out a more open and kind version of me, so I guess that energy attracts better experiences.
So yeah, I’m dating from time to time, but I’m not in any rush. And now that the prison doors have finally opened and I can experience the city the way I want to, I’m really enjoying the freedom, being able to go places, have conversations, meet all kinds of people and hear their stories.
I really can’t complain. Even the ones I didn’t want to see again were mostly understanding and respectful. And those I only connected with just as friends? They’ve totally shown up for me, I can count on them. We are even going on a road trip together, my dogs, and his kids. I haven’t met anyone yet that I’m crazy about, but I know I will when the time is right.
I think it’s all just a matter of mindset. If I were desperate to have a child right now, I’d probably come home disappointed from any date where I don’t feel the real spark. But I’m really lucky in that sense, I can keep looking for “the one” for as long as I want, and in the meantime, I’m gaining all these exciting and meaningful connections.
According to the Hungarian girl, the only reason I’m still all happy and glowing is because New York is still new to me, and eventually the shine will wear off and I’ll see the harsh reality, that everything here is about money and nothing else. I don’t blame her, this is such a Hungarian attitude, we were all raised to think like this. We’ve been fed this mindset since we were in diapers, that everything is awful, always has been, always will be, nothing ever works out, and even if by some miracle it does, you have nothing to do with it, it’s not because of you, its just dumb luck, and you can’t be lucky twice in a row anyway. So to come here and be surrounded by the American way of thinking, it feels like a breath of fresh air. And I don’t mean to talk down my roots, because I’m super proud of where I come from. I think Budapest is absolutely beautiful, I miss it a lot, and I truly loved the little bubble I built for myself there. I loved the life I had in it. But the thing is, I had to live in a bubble for it to feel good. And here, for the first time, I finally feel like I can let that bubble pop.
Here, I’m just not too much anymore. Not too energetic, too fast, too intense, too colorful, too loud, too shy, too sensitive, too everything. I’m just… one of many. A lot of people are exactly like that. And for the first time, I don’t feel like I have to tone myself down to fit in.
People of NY told me their incredibly hard, sometimes heartbreaking stories, and they always end them with something like: “Yeah, this was tough, but I learned this and that from it, and now I’m focusing on the good, and I know that in time, it’ll all make sense.” I mean, I’m floored. I literally save their messages as motivational phone wallpapers like this one for example.
Because it reminds me that I do have an impact, that things do depend on me, and I do have a choise. My whole vibe just fits here. This city is my biggest match, I’m kind of always in love here. Even while seeing the broken people on the subway at night, even while noticing the rats and the dirt, even as I start to discover the city’s darker, not-so-pretty side and the overpriced, disgusting coffee… I still love it. The other day, I saw a sunset over the city that was so beautiful, I didn’t even realize I had started crying, just from the sheer beauty of it, and from the overwhelming happiness that I get to experience this. Talking about love, I know swiping right on this city was one of my top-tier life choices. It’s really good to be here. And I’m not going to let the light go out.
