There’s this app where you meet 5 strangers. I went to one of these events the other night, it was an interesting experience. It’s important for me to be able to generate genuine curiosity about people, even if they’re not my patients, because unfortunately i had troubles with that for a long time.
People come to these events for all kinds of reasons. I went because I basically don’t know anyone here, and while I’m not even sure if it’s out of true need or desire, I want to make friends here too.
Maybe it’s just because I know I should, that it’s the right thing to do, while in reality, moving, work, my PhD, the book launch, all the newness, the dogs and mostly the stupid bureaucracy are taking up all my energy, and honestly, I’d probably be more comfortable alone in the little free time I have. But then I listen to this podcast that says this city is so huge that most fresh new yorkers freak out and isolate themselves, and I don’t want that to happen to me, so I’m pushing myself.
I honestly don’t know if I’m doing the right thing, I’m testing, observing myself for now. I know it doesn’t sound very likable, but there have been moments where, in the middle of a million things to do, I forced myself out to meet someone, and after smiling my way through two, two and a half hours, I thought, “Fuck this, what a complete waste of time…” It also doesn’t help that everything is so expensive here, and it’s so easy to fall into the trap of just working and working, and completely forgetting to actually enjoy New York, especially since I’m still living off my hungarian salary, which feels like pocket money here, no matter how hard I try, so I’m more conscious than ever of how precious and finite my time is.
I also worry if I can still be curious and open enough? Can I still trust, truly count on someone? Can I still be genuinely interested in someone, and the other way around, can I be interesting enough for someone else, while I try to find meaningful connections in the Big Apple?
I keep telling my origin story and the same few go-to stories about my work, over and over again, because I’m constantly meeting new people. It’s may be fun and interesting for them, but for me it’s just… boring. It starts to feel like I’m on autopilot, performing the same script at every introduction. And the whole time I’m thinking about all the actually useful things I could be doing instead of going through this routine again.
And then there’s the money part. Everything here is so expensive, it’s insane. In Hungary, going to the hairdresser for a root touch-up and a little fringe trim costs max 15,000 HUF, which is around 40 USD. Here, I paid 62,000 forints, so about 165 dollars. Totally wild. And taking your dog to the vet in Hungary for an eye infection, just to get some eye drops, would be at most 22,000 HUF (hungarian forint), and that’s already being generous, roughly 60 USD. Here in NYC, it was 187 USD, which is over 70,000 HUF , just for a quick check and some drops. So for that reason, it’s way too easy to fall into this trap of just working non-stop, trying to keep up, and completely forgetting to actually enjoy New York. I’m still living off my Hungarian salary, which honestly feels like pocket money here, no matter how careful or strategic I try to be. It’s exhausting, trying to stay afloat and also get the most out of being here.
I know I need to build a social circle, because that’s healthy, even if, right now, all I really want is to cozy up at home with my dogs and lick my wounds. I’m probably f@cking scared and lonely too.
But deep down, I hold on to the hope that in this city full of people, someone’s heart might find its way to mine and come to love me and I will eventually find my people. But for now, I spend most of my time alone, and I don’t even know if this whole big search isn’t just a performance, a show just so I can tell the people back home that yes, it was worth coming here, because look, I’m doing SOMETHING, so they won’t worry.